Hair: Testament to Manliness

If manliness were to be measured, it would surely be by hair. For there is no better way to look into a man’s soul than through his finely groomed follicles. I remember when I was just a child, waiting in a cold silence for the day I would eventually sprout the first inkling that I was a man. Eventually that day came, and I was able to hold my head up proudly and proclaim, ‘Hey everyone, I can grow sideburns!’ Since then, my life has become that which I always dreamed: a hodgepodge of chocolate milk, explosions, and bear wrestling.

Indeed, sideburns are unanimously awesome, and by (literal) extension, beards are amazing. Some readers may be put off by this statement. ‘But wait,’ they cry, ‘beards are nasty and growing one will prevent me from getting a job, a girlfriend, and a great life!’ To those of you naysayers, I say you are going about it all wrong.

Take exhibit A: The world’s hairiest man! (There is no exhibit B)

Just imagine the hair on his tongue.

Even now as I stare at his photo, my ankles tremble at his hairy greatness! This man stands tall as the hairiest person on earth and I, myself, am envious that he won’t need to purchase a Halloween costume EVER.

This is simple math: more hair = more awesome. Don’t believe me? Well did I mention that he has a hot girlfriend?!

Shwing!

That’s right. Not only can this man be confused with a walking shag carpet but he also has a sweet piece of arm candy. Let this be a lesson to all of you shavers out there. Next time you have a hot date, don’t shave! Instead, take all the hair you can find and cover your body with it. That way you won’t need to bring a coat with you and you will have a fantastic ice breaker. It’s a win-win!

For those who are already a fan of the fine art of facial grooming, let me up the ante with The Beard Championships! Only the greatest men in history can make it to the Mount Olympus of beards. Here is why:

The smile of a man who has already bested LIFE!

Allow yourself time to take in how glorious this picture is.

That’s right. This man successfully cultivated a windmill into his beard! What a fantastic idea: sport a beard and be earth friendly at the same time! I’m sure the windmill is there to fuel the massive amounts of awesome that this man is emitting. Let’s get him in charge of alternative energy! To be in a society that runs entirely on beards. That is the America I hope to live in.

So remember people, don’t hate the hair! Love the scruff!

Cheers!