Hyperbole: How to be a Superhero

We can only be who we are. It’s a shame, really, because so many of us are just ordinary, normal people.

Who wants to be normal, anyway? To be a gentleman of renown you can either do two things: work hard and get lucky, or (my favorite) lie! Now, when I mean lie, I don’t mean spit in someone’s coffee and call it sugar. I mean stretch the truth. 

More specifically, I mean use hyperbole. Hyperbole is the art of intentional exaggeration; with it, your cup becomes a flagon, your car becomes a gallant vessel, and your workout on the treadmill becomes an epic battle against the robotic uprising!

Through hyperbole the unreal becomes real, that’s the beauty of it. For instance, I said in an earlier post that I “break necks and cash checks”. Of course, I don’t really mean that I physically dominate anyone, or go to the banks with invoices in hand. But I do get things done—but my way just sounds cooler.

One thing to note is that it's not about actually becoming the person or thing you want to emulate. It's only convincing others that you are whatever it is you say you are. For example:

If only the real Superman had hair like this.

This man is not Superman for a number of reasons, all of which are obvious. Yet, if you see this guy walking down the street, you will naturally call him 'black superman' or, if you don’t want to put race into this, 'superman with chest hair’. And that is the point. If you can successfully hammer into people that you aren't just 'some guy' but someone special--you have already won.

To adopt a persona that isn't yourself can do amazing things. It can give you the confidence to do things that you wouldn't normally do. This is because you aren't yourself, you are whoever you want to be. For example, the real life version of Peter Pan:

This is his 'just hanging out' stance.

No, he is not Peter Pan. That's just what 99% of the people who see him walking down the street will recognize him as. Now, this might look like an extreme case. You may even be thinking, 'hey this guy looks like a freak, why would I want to follow his exploits?' Well, I offer him solely as an example. You don't have to dress up like someone to change yourself, but it helps. Oh, and to retort the hellacious claim that this man is beneath you, this guy gets the ladies.

Who's crazy now?

That's right. While many may look at this man with scorn, he still has the moves to shmooze with 3 goth girls. Not really my style, but he seems to be having a good time. I’m sure that by the end of that night he took all those girls to Neverland where they flew through the air with all the pixie dust he could afford. (All puns intended)

So there you have it. When you want to be great, like a man that moves mountains with his thoughts and can run upside down, all you need to do say it. Give it a basis in reality and it too shall become real. And then, my friends, you can take on anything.

Cheers.

Cuteness: the Ultimate Alibi

There are some things that just don’t make sense: cowlicks, decaffeinated coffee, platypuses. The one that races faster in my head than a cocaine crazed Lance Armstrong, is the notion of cuteness. I’m sure you all know what I mean. It's hard to explain, but everyone knows when they have seen something cute.

But why do we react this way? What in our brains triggers the string of emotions that leads to the eventual 'BAWWWWWW' that we are all accustomed to?

Personally, I think of cute animals the same way I think of gold diggers. They pretend to care about you but are really just looking out for themselves. That is because I believe cuteness is too easily abused. With it, animals can get away with anything. For example:

Jelly is lonely

What you are probably thinking is ‘oh how cute, what a funny puppy’, when you should be thinking 'why the hell is that damn dog eating my peanut butter?! Not only was the dog able to get into this jar of delicious preserves, but his owners were so powerless to the dogs cuteness that they decided to take a picture rather than attempt to salvage any of the spread.

Cuteness is a weapon, and in the wrong hands it can cause people to be subjected to the Goo Goo's and Ga' Ga's of an adorable captor!

But in the right hands, this weapon can be harnessed for good. Behold!

Shortly after this photo was taken, the dog wakes up and murders the cat for treating him like a throw pillow.

The picture is adorable, right? Yes, i know. Whatever the unseen force that lies within this photograph evokes the feeling of cuteness. Just by showing it to you, you have been rendered powerless, endeared by the unity and harmony in this picture. It's just that easy.

Now you know the secret. It is a method used by many to charm others. And its effectiveness is downright staggering. Don't use a corny pickup line, because all you need is a puppy.

See?

So the next time you see a woman you want to talk to her, or you get pulled over by the highway patrol, just show them something cute. You'll get off (pun intended) and their words of scorn will be reduced to baby 

talk. And that, my friends, is the talk of love-- and idiocy. You win.

Cheers.

Appearance: Looking Fly

First impressions are crucial, and looking like a stylish, fashionable individual will give you the advantage in a social situation. That’s why a classy gentleman always wants to look good. This can be achieved in a number of ways. A fan of old school attire would equip himself with the tried and true top hat and monocle. If he was feeling fancy, maybe an exotic bird perched on his shoulder.

If you don’t have access to these sort of accoutrements, have no fear! For there is no excuse for not looking good! Even in the worst instances of poverty, people can still take pride in their appearance. Don’t believe me? Just ask the fabulous swagger held by the Gentleman of Bacongo.

When you look this good, it's not pink, it's salmon

That’s right, they live in Bacongo. With a land that contains the word bacon in it you would assume that this could easily be the Promised Land. In reality, it’s a part of the Republic of Congo, which is on shaky ground politically and economically.

Nonetheless, faced with a country in an economic slump they still flourish. Or at least they appear to be… and that’s the point. These men have found the secret to confidence- faking it. If you look good, people will think you’re cool. It’s that simple. Honestly, if you saw this guy on the street do you think he is having problems paying the rent?

The third-world Sean Combs

The answer is no. You will be thinking, ‘Damn that man looks good.’ This is truly the beauty of looking fly. If you have the confidence and the (pardon my French) balls to walk down the street like a badass then you have effectively negated any judgments others may be directing towards you. This may seem like an odd point, but it can be surmised with this.

I would pay to have this as a poster

That’s talk show host Conan Obrien wearing the horrendous new fashion trend called Jeggings. Notice his poise, his facial expression. The top half of this photo could be made into a self portrait worthy of a mantle. The bottom is an eyesore, albeit a hilarious one. That’s the great thing about it though; he makes Jeggings look good… and hilarious.

If you could take away a simple lesson from these prime examples of ridiculous fashion it’s that you should always have confidence. A good way to do that is to always have a fresh appearance like the fine Gentleman of Bacongo. If not, still carry yourself with pride. If you do that right you can wear something as silly as skin-tight transparent jeans and still look like the King of Awesometown.

Now go rock some bellbottoms and a mesh tank top like the alpha male you are!

Cheers.

Hair: Testament to Manliness

If manliness were to be measured, it would surely be by hair. For there is no better way to look into a man’s soul than through his finely groomed follicles. I remember when I was just a child, waiting in a cold silence for the day I would eventually sprout the first inkling that I was a man. Eventually that day came, and I was able to hold my head up proudly and proclaim, ‘Hey everyone, I can grow sideburns!’ Since then, my life has become that which I always dreamed: a hodgepodge of chocolate milk, explosions, and bear wrestling.

Indeed, sideburns are unanimously awesome, and by (literal) extension, beards are amazing. Some readers may be put off by this statement. ‘But wait,’ they cry, ‘beards are nasty and growing one will prevent me from getting a job, a girlfriend, and a great life!’ To those of you naysayers, I say you are going about it all wrong.

Take exhibit A: The world’s hairiest man! (There is no exhibit B)

Just imagine the hair on his tongue.

Even now as I stare at his photo, my ankles tremble at his hairy greatness! This man stands tall as the hairiest person on earth and I, myself, am envious that he won’t need to purchase a Halloween costume EVER.

This is simple math: more hair = more awesome. Don’t believe me? Well did I mention that he has a hot girlfriend?!

Shwing!

That’s right. Not only can this man be confused with a walking shag carpet but he also has a sweet piece of arm candy. Let this be a lesson to all of you shavers out there. Next time you have a hot date, don’t shave! Instead, take all the hair you can find and cover your body with it. That way you won’t need to bring a coat with you and you will have a fantastic ice breaker. It’s a win-win!

For those who are already a fan of the fine art of facial grooming, let me up the ante with The Beard Championships! Only the greatest men in history can make it to the Mount Olympus of beards. Here is why:

The smile of a man who has already bested LIFE!

Allow yourself time to take in how glorious this picture is.

That’s right. This man successfully cultivated a windmill into his beard! What a fantastic idea: sport a beard and be earth friendly at the same time! I’m sure the windmill is there to fuel the massive amounts of awesome that this man is emitting. Let’s get him in charge of alternative energy! To be in a society that runs entirely on beards. That is the America I hope to live in.

So remember people, don’t hate the hair! Love the scruff!

Cheers!

Bacon: Food For A Better Tomorrow

There are few items in the world that can match the deliciousness of bacon. Indeed, since I was a child I was under the spell of this pork product, and since then I have been a proud member of the bacon brotherhood. What is it about this delicious treat that is so appealing? Surely, something this good must come at a price?

The answer is still a mystery, and all that can be said is that, where there is bacon, there is love. Bacon, (or as many call it, ‘grilled wonder strips’) has the unique ability to permeate and bring out the best in any meal. What would a BLT be without the bacon? It would be nothing more than a shallow, sad excuse for a sandwich.

This veritable ambrosia is a triple threat! It smells good, it tastes good, and it sounds good. (If you haven’t  heard the siren songs of bacon, then you, sir, are missing out on life!) But alas, it was only a matter of time before this bacon wanderlust went horribly wrong. By that, I mean baconnaisse:

We should have never played God!

This can only be seen as culinary social work.

Why else would such a delicious treat be slumming it with what can be considered the lamest condiment ever? It was only a matter of time. Some foolhardy scientist in a lab tried in vain to harness the power of bacon only to have it explode into a horrible hodgepodge of grossness.

You see, bacon is like the really hot popular girl at school. Mayonnaise is like bacon's very annoying and less attractive friend. Put them together and the experience is tarnished and the likelihood of getting any in your mouth has severely lessened. So please, leave the mayo at home because me and bacon want some alone time.

While some creations are evil Frankenstein monsters, others are beautiful bundles of joy. I can think of no better example than the ‘bacon alarm clock’, or as the inventors call it ‘the wake n bacon’.

Runs on love

The perfect way to start the day.

This technological marvel allows you to wake up to the sweet smells of freshly cooked bacon right by your bed. What a glorious alternative to the ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP’ of your normal alarm clock. The only way they could have made this invention better is if they were able to make it travel sized. Bacon on the go? That should already be an app on the iPhone.

To surmise, bacon is the king of foods, ruling over the lands of breakfast, lunch and dinner with an iron fist and a gentle touch. If you have never tried bacon, drop everything you are doing and, for the love of God, eat a few strips. NOW. If you are a vegetarian, I weep for your mortal soul.

Now go forth and consume!




UPDATE: Perusing the interwebs can yield glorious results.
BEHOLD BACON TOOTHPASTE

Bacon now strengthens enamel!

Of course, you won't need this if you have the Wake n Bacon, as your breath will already be deliciously coated with ham and salt. 

Just a Preface

To the Ladies.

Make no mistake: this may be referred to as a Gentleman’s blog, but by no means does that imply I’m excluding anyone from its content. As many gentleman can attest, having the company of a classy lady can be great. But since I am not a woman, I would hesitate to try and write about a woman’s issue as I would have grounding as I am a glimmering beacon of pure masculinity. So, please sit back, relax, and enjoy these non-sexual, non-threatening observations from a man so hopped up on his own testosterone that John Wayne himself would rise from his grave just to give a high-five.

And since (I assume) some women are reading this, I do have a few unanswered questions that you might want to comment on:

1. What type of cigar is flattering as a gift to a woman?
2. Why is Glee so popular?
3. When you say 'I want to be alone' what is the correct response?

4. Bourbon or Whiskey?

I could go on, but honestly, it might just get too convoluted. So again, as a reminder to all you lovely ladies out there, If my posts take on a very masculine tone, please don’t be offended. I’m just writing about what I know, and what I know is breaking necks and cashing checks. And I think that’s a mentality that everyone can get behind.

Cheers.